An example how childhood programming can affect your heart
Introduction
In my last article I did write about how an opportunity showed up synchronistical and how I then decided to train in Human Design. A major part of using Human Design is the process of Deconditioning from old unbeneficial programs, which keep you from expressing the highest potential of your authentic self.
Mostly everyone got taught in their childhood to behave in a certain way, which is aligned with what their parents, their culture or society expects of them. Everyone is making experiences in life, which, depending on how you judge them, are rated as good or bad and influence your future behavior and even can create believes like: Whenever I show my true self to others, I get negative feedback or even rejected, because people do not accept me for who I am and how I am.
Often it is a long way to entrain those negative believes, resulting from repetition or even in early childhood, which is often hard to remember consciously as an adult. There are ways like EFT, implemented in the Quantum Alignment System (QAS) or a StoryLab experience, which can help here and I did train already. But that is not today’s topic. Today I want to tell you another story from my life, which inspired me to touch the topic of Deconditioning in this article.
Another breakpoint upfront
First of all, I will adjust an unwritten law, I set up, when my daughter was born. I promised myself, that even though, I work with the internet and social media since around 30 years now, coming from art projects, photography and later on online marketing, I will never mention my daughter in it to protect her privacy. She now is a young lady, which I am extremely proud of, not only because she is very talented in arts, but as well because of the beauty of her nature. And she sure was my greatest teacher in life. Nothing of this needs to stay hidden anymore and she can decide on her own, of how public she wants to become. And as she reached a certain age now and I am starting up my new mission, I think, that it is important to share some experiences I made as a mother as well. So not only my mother is part of this story, but as well me acting as a mother to my own daughter.
Getting into the story: My HEART
The first experience I made – entering the Human Design Community of Karen Curry Parker – is graved into my mind. I remember posting my Human Design Chart and a member of Karen’s crew (the beautiful and kind Hannah Sawicky) commenting on it, that the first thing she is recognizing is, that it is all about the HEART. The last days, when I was contemplating over the 25’s gene key, which sits in an essential position in my profile and has the highest expression of Universal Love, I finally could make the connection of how this is currently expressing in my deconditioning process. So I decided to rewrite my personal story by taking action.
My daughter had a special birthday recently and I wanted to give her a really special experience as one of her presents and stumbled over a musical concert, which would match her age as well as mine so we could enjoy this event together with her and my dear friend from our village. On the way there I stated: Today I will cry unashamed, when the beauty of the music will touch my heart so deep, that there is nothing to do than let the sound enter my heart and he tears flow. I will NOT try to hold back my tears, like I always did or feel ashamed of showing heightened emotions in form of tears in public and I will do my best to enjoy this experience.
You can’t imagine, how huge of a step this was for me, even if it sounds so simple. But I grew up in an environment, where I never saw tears running.
I highly respect my parents and am extremely greatful, that they always did the best they could. Therefor I do not write about this to blame them, but just to give an example of how conditioning turns out. We all have our own stories and part of them end up adding up to the conditioning of our kids.
Growing up with two parents, that both had their own experiences and their own conditioning, that made them hold back their emotions to a high degree, I never learned, that it is safe to express my emotions or even wished. I was conditioned to function, no matter what my heart said. And Society taught the same. Emotions are not very beneficial to function, so in parts of my life, I tried to step back from those. Emotions seemed so hard to control.
When I started to be self-employed after studying, I entered a domain, which still was ruled by men. And what do men do; at least in those times and especially not in business? Most likely not cry or show strong emotions. In one way, that was quite helpful for me, because it was easy to work with men. They seemed to behave more direct in business and walk their talk than most women. It was easier to stay on an objective level with them. But in another way it did strengthen my conditioning to hold back my own emotions on another level. And that was not the first time in my life, where this conditioning was “maintained”.
Starting the Deconditioning Process
When I became a mother, without even knowing about Human Design those days, I seriously started my deconditioning process. I was confronted with so many situations, which challenged my heart, because my true authentic self is extremely sensitive and highly empathic. So whenever there was an emotional challenging situation around my kid, I could feel the pain even physically. My daughter opened up my heart not only by feeling that pain, but that was a part of it. I wanted to have her the best upbringing, she could have and so I had to grow and grow and learn my lessons to become a better version of myself, a more authentic one.
There I was, having learned so many lessons over the years, fighting so many fights to manoeuvre a highly sensitive kid through challenges caused by society, family and else, that my heart got stronger and more dominant each and every day. It still feels scary some days, that my heart is so wide open nowadays. I still learn the best ways to stay heart centered but as well firm in my boundaries, when circumstances demand it. And it feels huge for me to cry in public. Even in the shadow of the spectator room of the theatre. But I did it and I am proud I did it. Still feeling a bit uncomfortable with the crying part, but enjoying how the beauty of the music touched my heart.
Art in any form seems to be another great teacher, I have to listen better to, to proceed on my path. To accept all emotions, to accept whatever life brings me in challenges or victories, as both are more intense to manoeuvre with an open heart. This journey makes me stronger in so different ways, than strengths was defined in my earlier life. And deep in my heart, my dearest wish is, that it is the future path of humanity to become a heart centered society. Even though, right now, for many people this scenario is far off their imagination, which is understandable, when you come from a certain perspective.